I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
