Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
