I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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