I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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