I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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