If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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