just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
