i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize