I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We left an ass print on the piano.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
