I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
