You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
