Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
