I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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