At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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