I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
