Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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