why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
