yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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