I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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