that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
