someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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