Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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