hotel room ftw
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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