420 ftw
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
