i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
