seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
