Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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