I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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