and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
