So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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