Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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