i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's blow job season.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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