Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
