All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
