she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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