I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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