I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
