I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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