How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My balls are so social today.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
