i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
