I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
