Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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