If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
