she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
