Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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