He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize