The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
