I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
