508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
