I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
