Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize