the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
