Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
