We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
