i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
