theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
