Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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