Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
