i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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